Motivational Quotes (Help You Keep Going) (2024)

Welcome to our collection of Funny Quotes! (171 Total including the video)

• Popular Funny Quotes
• Humorous Quotes About Life
• More Funny Quotes
• Summary of Funny Quotes Page

Popular Funny Quotes

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True Humor is fun–It does not put down, kid, or mock. It makes people feel wonderful, not separate, different and cut off. True humor has beneath it the understanding that we are all in this together. Hugh Prather

A day without laughter is a day wasted. Charlie Chaplin

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. Robert Frost

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He who laughs last didn’t get the joke. Charles de Gaulle

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My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right. Ashleigh Brilliant

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

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A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’ Conan O’Brien Funny Quotes

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A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. Milton Berle

Humorous Quotes About Life

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Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. Dennis Wholey

‘Be yourself’ is about the worst advice you can give some people. Thomas Lansing Masson

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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston Churchill

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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. Rodney Dangerfield

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. Will Rogers

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Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. Albert Einstein

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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. Milton Berle

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. A. A. Milne

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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Erma Bombeck

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. Groucho Marx

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Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway. Greg Tamblyn

Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories. Jessica Simpson

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Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. Charles Shulz

More Funny Quotes

What’s another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright

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My goal is no longer to get more done, but rather to have less to do. Francine Jay

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There are two reasons why we don’t trust people. First, we don’t know them. Second, we do know them. Unknown

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Steven Wright

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Half the lies they tell about me aren’t true. Yogi Berra

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If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams Quotes

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The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces. Will Rogers

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The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. Harlan Ellison

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. Jay Leno

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If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you. Dick Cavett

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I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards. Henny Youngman

I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. Fred Alle

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I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday. Unknown

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According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog. Jay Leno

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. Samuel Goldwyn

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The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Al McGuire

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I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. Steve Carell

At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. Ann Landers

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By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong. Charles Wadsworth

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The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. Fred Allen

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Laurence J. Peter

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All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. Charles Schulz

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A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future. Dennis Waitley

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Emo Philips

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Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? H.L. Mencken

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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. Henny Youngman

Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times. Helen Rowland

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Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible. Doug Larson

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Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children. Sam Levenson

I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. Mitch Hedberg

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Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. Abraham Lincoln

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It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose! Steven Weinberg

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of people’s vacations was considered a punishment. Betty White

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I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken. H. Kyle Seale

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A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. Don Marquis

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. John F. Kennedy

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I think it’s interesting that cologne rhymes with alone. Demetri Martin

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As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. Norm Crosby

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. Mark Twain

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Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most. Ozzy Ozbourne

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You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. George Burns

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. Caroline Rhea

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I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright

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The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. Zach Galifianakis

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist. Franklin Jones

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Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. Will Rogers

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What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left. Oscar Levant

He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career. George Bernard Shaw

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If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. Dalai Lama

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If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln

What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork. Pearl S. Bailey

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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? Milton Berle

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We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know. W. H. Auden

Trying is the first step toward failure. Homer Simpson

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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns

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People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Demetri Martin

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You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there. Yogi Berra

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The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. Andy Rooney

Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil. J. Paul Getty

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You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? Steven Wright

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It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? Ronald Reagan

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. Zsa Zsa Gabor

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As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett

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I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it. Bill Murray

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. Unknown

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The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory. Paul Fix

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If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? Lily Tomlin

Procrastinate now, don’t put it off. Ellen DeGeneres

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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh

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Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. Jackie Mason

If you come to a fork in the road, take it. Yogi Berra

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It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. Andy Borowitz

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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Henny Youngman

A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know. Laurence J. Peter

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The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. Robert Bloch

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When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. Norm Crosby

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet! Groucho Marx

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Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand. Emo Philips

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Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes! Billy Connolly

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Alan Dundes

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I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx

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The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Albert Einstein Funny Quotes

Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law. Voltaire

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I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical. Arthur C. Clarke

The problem with the gene pool is that there’s no lifeguard. David Gerrold

Summary: Laughter is the Best Medicine

Dictionary.com defines Funny as providingfun; causing amusem*nt or laughter; amusing; comical: a funny remark; a funny person. Funnydescribes something that causes fun, especially laughter.Funnycan describe someone who is trying to amuse others. It can also describe someone or something that is suspicious or odd.

Why do funny things make us happy?

Laughter is great for our health. Mental health and physical health. Laughing relieves tension and stress which makes the body and mind feel good.

Laughter draws people together. It can trigger healthy physical and emotional needs in the body. Laughter strengthens your immune system, boosts your mood, and lessens pain. Humor and laughter can lighten your mood, inspires positivity, a shared laugh can connect you to others, and can keep focused, and alert. It also helps you release anger and forgive sooner. (source)

Must ReadPin

Humor, Seriously: Why Humor Is a Secret Weapon in Business and Life
(And How Anyone Can Harness It. Even You.)

Further Reading

• The Power of Fun: How to Feel Alive Again by Catherine Price
• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson
• What If?: Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions by Randall Munroe
• Healing Through Humor

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